safety nets

as much as i am so fucking sick of high school and all the bullshit that inevitably comes along with it, i am scared to fucking death of what is out there

giving up

giving up is exaclty what i intend to do . no longer will i wake up and plan my day out like i normally do . i don't give a shit, life and everything that happens in it is irrevelant . and that is all .

no, i'm not going to go slit my wrists after i finish this . just keep in mind that although your outlook on life may be bright, it doesn't mean your life is .

cynics do it best .

i've been

wanting to get out for a while .

and friday was the day that i actually went out for a really long time . and boy did it feel good . sure, it lasted a mere hour and all i got out of it was a medium sized cup of pinkberry, but i got to share that measly hour with a very good person . i realized how much i had taken for granted that day . my family's trust, the trust of others around me, all of that does not measure up to my selfishness . i just wish that one person would recognize this, because i am sick of feeling like i'm locked up, in a prison cell, no pun intended whatsoever . not many people who read this will get this pun, but bear with me . the story is really not worth telling . i cannot wait for the day when i can finally grab life by the horns, because right now, i'm being held back by very eager hands, and i just wish they'd learn to let go . but that day may never even come . so i'll have to settle for rapid starbucks or pinkbrerry trips, unti l i can prove that i am ready to be out in the real world again .

uplifting inspiration

isn't it pathetic that i somehow find the most uplifting and inspirational phrases on the caps of jones soda bottles ? honestly, there has never been one person in my life that has provided me with useful advice like those caps do . just today, i had a cream flavored soda (which are delicious by the way, a personal favorite of mine), and the cap read "keep expectations reasonable ." seriously, what is that ? why is it that i've been searching for a person to give me guidance and a few thought-provoking words, all the while never finding that person, and these soda caps happen to have it all ? everytime i read a new cap, i am left with a question that boggles my mind for days, maybe even weeks, and at the end of that period of time, i have a new view on life . those caps make me feel like someone is out there, that understands me . sure, it's some corporate company appealing to all the cynical folks like me, but it's not even just that . it's a general statement that helps people like me realize that a simple phrase can change an entire outlook . that a simple piece of metal can leave my mind racing for hours on end about things i never thought i had the energy to think about . it amazes me, and although one day, possibly very soon, i will be rushed to the hospital because of a sugar coma from drinking all of these, when i wake up, i will be a new person with one more thing to look forward to, and one more worry i can put to rest .

hmm

i have had a week off and absolutely nothing exciting has happened . i really need to realize that this isn't going to change . i did something completely unforgiveable and can't expect my mom to be lenient about it . i guess i just miss having fun with my friends that i get distracted from that . but i don't know i feel like i have truly truly learned my lesson and deserve a second chance . if my mom once opened her mind to something, she might understand that . ugh . i hate this .