don't panic, don't panic

there simply is no need .

today's blog is going to be very uplifting .
i suddenly feel like i am needed in this world .
and not as if i am just a sapien put on here to add to the growing number of living specimens on this planet we like to call earth .

no, i feel like i am of value to the people around me .
that i may bring laughter and comfort to those that i talk to on a daily basis .
that i may offer some sort of advice that helps people make their decisions .
i honestly feel that i could not have surrounded myself with better people even if i tried .

i love life .
i really do .
and i love my friends and family even more .

it's a heavy price to pay, this heart

there comes a time when everyone must come face to face with their demons . accept that they are different from everyone else . and that those differences that seperate them from that almost tragic world, can either make them or break them, whichever they choose . a demon is like a bad hair day; it comes unexpectedly, and you always try to work your way around it . but it's time to face that bad hair day, and take it on headstrong, instead of working around it and handling it only when someone points it out to you . i have my fair share of demons, and they eat away at me day by day . i mishandle my demons, often letting them get the best of me, and it leaves me in a fragile and vulnerable state . many people mistake this mishandling as bitterness and cynicism, but really, i don't how to store away those demons . i have trouble filling my mind with happy and serene thoughts, and that same mind gets filled with negative and impulsive thoughts that drive me to do things i have no desire to do . this may be hard to understand, i know . it's not easy living with demons . that's why my advice to everyone is to remember everything that's good and well in their lives, so that those demons won't take over you like they have me . for your own sake, at least .

my depth is more than you can handle

i have more secrets than i could ever burden anyone with . there is no part of me that is secure and sure . i am always second guessing everything, and my secrets are what make me so screwed up . i can't hold them in but i could not possibly let them out . i am in a situation where i can't possibly win, and my life is a constant lose-lose situation . there is no way for me to ever be truly happy, and i live with a substitue for happiness day by day . i wish i could find some sort of permanent source of happiness . so far, i've been unsuccessful .

go ahead, let me down

apparently i'm so useless my actions are equivalent to wiping a dog's ass .

fuck you . i fucking hate people . i don't care if i come off as cynical in this post, it's fucking true . no one is good for anything . no one ever lasts, and everyone leaves . everyone looks out for themselves and no one helps each other. no one takes the time out to stop and think if what they're doing and how they're living is hurting the people around them . that everytime they bring that brown bottle to their lips, a part of your soul dies . because you know that you've failed to make their life worth living . fuck that . i'm done living for people . from now on, i look out for me, myself, and i . if everyone else can do it, so can i . i'm done caring about other people and i'm done worrying about how the course of my life affects others . they can wrack their own brain with that shit . because no matter how much effort i put into making others happy, all of it goes unnoticed . call me selfish, i don't care . i have a right to be .

please don't get me rescued

do you ever feel like there's a certain song whose lyrics perfectly depict your life at that point in time ? i do . rescued, by jack's mannequin tells my life in the most vivid form . i swear, everytime i listen to that song, i feel like i have just had a 4 minute long conversation with andrew, where i condensed every feeling i have ever felt in my life into those 4 minutes . his music does this to me . seriously, whenever i'm feeling down, i listen to mfeo/you can breathe . whenever i feel like i need someone to just understand me, i listen to rescued . when i feel so fucking shitty and betrayed, i listen to la la lie . i can literally relate to every single one of his songs . and i love that about him . the fact that he can touch someone who is more than a thousand miles away, and in the biggest way, still blows me away . no one will ever take the place that he holds in my heart . what i want most right now is to go to one of jack's live shows and live through that feeling of complete serenity, where everyone in the venue is one, where we put all our differences aside and enjoy that andrew has brought us all together . god i miss that feeling .

addiction

he's amazing .

aesthetically destructive

i have recently gotten used to the fact that i worry about everything . but i'm afraid to tell anyone because of how they will react . i know i've caused a lot of trouble for people in the last sixteen years of my existence, and i don't want to cause any more . i know that there are a lot of things that are wrong with me, and that i'm not like anybody else, and that scares me . but i'm used to it by now . being scared of who i am is just a part of me . i don't know what to do with myself half the time, and when i finally get a clue as to what i should do, it only leads to trouble . agh . i don't know anymore . i really don't . i''ve learned to accept all the shit that's happening to me, but i don't know how long that will last .

i always put myself in destructive situations

i do this to myself . it's inevitable that i will fail, and it's all becuase i set myself up for it . the doctor promised that these pills would give me more energy, but my fingers are lifelessly moving as i type this blog entry . i really don't think there is anything that can help me . it's so awkward, but i feel like i need something to be sad about . i see all these people around me, being hurt by others, but i envy them, because at least they have someone in their lives that can hurt them . it sounds stupid, and it probably only makes sense in my mind . i'm so anxious right now, and i don't know why . ugh . my mind is racing with thoughts of what used to be, i want to go back in time so i can reverse all the irreversible things that i have done . but i can't . no use in dwelling in the past .

what doesn't kill me, breaks me down every day .

the golden rule

treat others as you'd wish to be treated . nothing more, nothing less . if everyone only lived by this simple saying, the world would be a much better place . but instead, there are things like ignorance and arrogance, and people assume they are better than others, and act accordingly .

on a more personal note, lately, i've been feeling this overwhelming pressure on my shoulders that i can't seem to shrug off . it's just something that's become a part of me, this consant nervousness and anxious anticipation of not knowing what's coming next . normally, i thrive on this sort of unpredictability, but recently i've been absolutely terrifed of it . i think i need to see someone about this, because it's not a way i want to live my life and i'm afraid if i continue to feel like this, things will go very wrong .

i'm ranting .

peace .

i've gone too far to come back from here

and you don't have a clue, you don't know what you do to me .

i wish i was in love . it's hard to live in a world where you're constantly reminded how great relationships are, and how much you love one another, and not have someone in your life to share that with . the thing is, as soon as i start thinking i need love, my mind tells me, "no you don't ." because i know what love does . yeah sure, it feels good and wonderful and happy in the beginning, but after that, it's hell . i don't want to go through that, not right now . i've never been in love, and yet i'm always being let down by it . it's not worth it . at least not for now .

i'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable .
at least i think so .

peace .

me .

i'm not too good with displaying my thoughts out for everyone to see .

but i've been holding a lot of emotions in, and it's about time i got them out .

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired . of everything . i am never completely satisfied with anything . it's not that i have a negative mentality, it's just that i tend to get carried away when i set expectations for myself . my expectations are always impractical . i know i set myself up for failure, and i beat myself up for it everyday . for someone like me, "my best," is simply not good enough . i'm working on changing that, but so far, i've had no success . perhaps i've set my expectations too high on trying to lower my expectations . it makes no sense . but then again, so doesn't life .

peace .